Exercise 11: Your Emotional Triggers

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had the power to predict our emotional patterns? Do you ever know when you are going to have a huge blow-up fight with a friend, spouse, or client with just one phone call or meeting? If we could, we would all live in a more peaceful world. However, we don't and according to these exercises, the best way to live harmoniously with one another AND with yourself is to dig up dirty old feelings from this life.

So to answer the first question, YES, it would be wonderful to predict our emotional patterns, which we in good faith did from Exercise 10. The next step is to examine how these patterns affect our present situations. In your journal (you really should have one by now!), write the feeling that is currently your biggest problem from the list of 3 in the previous exercise. Here is mine:

Name the feeling: Longing

Next list four situations briefly you recall when you had this feeling, regardless of how you handled it. You can write actual events or typical ones. You can also use the example from Exercise 2. Here is my example:

Four situations that made me feel this feeling:
1.    My husband at the bar with his friend, and I did not know when he would return. This was the day of his birthday party. I only knew of one bar he went to, which closed at midnight and it was 2 am when he was still not at home. I know he isn’t a cheater, just absent-minded when he is drunk.
2.    The same man did not come home after his scheduled work and did not call. I thought he had died. He was supposed to be home at 5 am. At 7 am, he was still not at home or answering his phone call. He finally called at 9:30 when I was on my way to his work. His boss gave him another job when he returned from his trip and he thought to call me later when I was awake since I usually slept in during the summer.
3.    When my mother-in-law and I were having a hard time understanding each other. I just could not get along with her or make her understand our situation without her crying (in front of me or in front of other people). I longed for a good relationship but it was not possible if there was no understanding especially on her part. At the time she first moved here, it seemed that she expected me to conform to her ideas on many things.
4.    The husband making plans to do other things when he is at home besides with me and our daughter. He would come home from being gone throughout the week to ride his bike and play golf, which was nothing we could do. If he did things with us, he wanted to include his parents, which were okay every once in a while but I longed for just our family time. And that (just us) happened maybe two or three times during the first two years of our marriage (all other times included EVERYONE).

After the brief stories, answer the following questions to try to find some common factors:

1.    How many people besides yourself are usually in your stories?
2.    Which person in your stories causes the problem?
3.    Is there an imbalance of power or an injustice in your stories?
4.    Is there loss in your stories or are there needs not met?
5.    Is anyone being evaluated in your stories?
6.    Is there deception in your stories?
7.    Do your stories tend to take place in any particular type of setting?
8.    Do you have any particular physical or emotional vulnerability at the start of any of your stories or in the background?
9.    Are you active or passive in your stories?

My example:

1.    How many people besides yourself are usually in your stories? 1
2.    Which person in your stories causes the problem? Me, I let their problems get to me.
3.    Is there an imbalance of power or an injustice in your stories? Always. Life is just not fair!
4.    Is there loss in your stories or are there needs not met? Yes. There was always miscommunication. My needs are to be told directly. Like for the husband, as long as he calls, I am okay. With the MIL, I would hear things that were indirect. My husband and father-in-law understood what she felt because she told them. She rarely told me anything directly – it was all heresy. This used to bother me. I realize now that she is the mousy-type and avoids any type of confrontation, which I have accepted and not take personally. I used to think she was "stabbing me in the back" which now I know better. Nobody can literally "stab me in the back" and not leave scars.
5.    Is anyone being evaluated in your stories? No
6.    Is there deception in your stories? WHAT!? NO!
7.    Do your stories tend to take place in any particular type of setting? At home. I'm calm now.
8.    Do you have any particular physical or emotional vulnerability at the start of any of your stories or in the background? No
9.    Are you active or passive in your stories? I am extremely active (and towards the end especially) when it came to dealing with my husband and his family. Things are much better now.

The purpose of these questions are to help dig up the essential pieces of the past emotional scenarios that easily upset your emotional balance. With that, finish the following phrase to give yourself a forewarning of your emotional trigger:

To avoid being emotionally overwhelmed, watch out for ...

My example:

To avoid being emotionally overwhelmed, keep lines for open communication available. It’s okay for me to tell other people what I feel and what I need. If they choose not to understand it, I am still okay.

Exercise 10: Layers of Feelings

Like peeling an onion to get the to its core, you have to start on the surface of your emotional experiences in order to define your emotional pattern. Onions make most people cry so even though many like the taste, the same do not like to chop onions. I know this because I love to cook. And I love to eat. And furthermore, I hate to chop onions. Same thing when it comes to facing the core of our emotional patterns. Therefore, it is easy to get in an emotional rut. So what is the difference? Duh, one is an onion!

Exercise 10 will assist you to start peeling away at the surface with the hope that it will bring you to the core of your emotions that you nicely tucked away under its protective layers. It sounds worse than it really is. To start, you write about an overwhelming experience emotionally as a young adult or adolescent. Next, write about an overwhelming emotional experience as a school-age child. And last, write the earliest overwhelming experience you can remember. Here are my examples:

Emotionally overwhelming experience as an adolescent or a young adult:
I was 17 years old when my father was diagnosed with leukemia. The doctors said that it would be possible that he would die in two weeks. The realization that I would never see my father again words cannot describe. I love my dad. I wanted him to be around forever. I took it for granted that he would always be there. He was always healthy – never had a cold, and then he got sick. It was too soon. I didn’t want to face it. I wanted him to be there to walk me down the aisle when I got married. I wanted him to experience being a grandfather. I wanted him to be there forever. I was such a mess as a teenager. Why didn’t I just listen to my parents, take school seriously, and be more normal like the other kids? No, I wanted to “grow up” too quickly but I was so immature. My dad worried too much about me, and now he is dying.

Emotionally overwhelming experience as a school age child:
I had been “fighting” with my best friend for a couple of days giving her the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. I wanted to stop this stupid argument but didn’t know how and hoped that she would break the silence. Toward the end of the day, I got a note from her thinking it was a truce. I quickly opened it and read that she didn’t want to be my best friend anymore and had found another best friend. I know that I had been mean but didn’t expect this type of rejection. I was devastated. I skipped the last class and cried in the bathroom until my teacher found me. I still wanted to be friends with her but we didn’t stay friends after that.

Earliest memory of an emotionally overwhelming experience:
I wanted my mom to tuck me in bed and kept asking for her. My dad came in the room instead to tuck me in. He told me she was tired. I cried until I fell asleep. I didn’t want him. I wanted her. I did a lot of that when I was little - crying to sleep.

After this challenge, read it over and write one dominant emotion from each story. Here is mine:
 
Dominant emotion:
Young adult overwhelming feeling: Longing
School-age overwhelming feeling: Longing
Earliest overwhelming feeling: Longing

Mine just happens to be the same word but it does not have to be so for everyone. I wonder if I did it that way on purpose? It just seems way too easy. The interesting thing is that I have always found the needy characteristic in people very annoying, which I could have been avoiding my own neediness...

Exercise 9: Simplifying Your Emotions

Exercise 9 so far has been my favorite exercise and insightful to some of the behaviors of situations that I have been experiencing in the past two years. This section talks about primary and secondary emotions. Primary is the emotion you feel instantly, and secondary is your feeling about your initial feeling. Basically, primary emotion is necessary and has a purpose to inform, protect, or alert us. Secondary emotion is useless and could cloud over situations.

First, complete the sentence:

When [blank], I tend to feel [blank].

Then think of three people that have been critical of you including yourself (if you want) and write how you think they would criticize you:

[Name of person]: You (or I) shouldn't feel that way because [blank]. (repeat three times with a different person)

After completing this, cross out/delete/erase the last three paragraphs and only focus on the first sentence.

Here is my example:

When I find 3 gray pubic hairs down there, I tend to feel confused about my body.

Mother in law: You shouldn’t feel that because I don’t want you to get mad at me. I try so hard and it seems that I can’t do anything right.
Pastor: You shouldn't worry because you need to give your worries to God.
Me: I shouldn’t feel that way because I am not getting old. I am getting younger, dammit!

Okay so that may not have been the actual entry, but it could be true. Anyway, I like this exercise because it makes a lot of sense to my erratic behavior in the last two years. I had been dealing with the secondary emotions and have neglected my primary emotions. Though dealing with the primary emotion can be more challenging sometimes, it is definitely healthier.

Exercise 8: Intensity of feelings

Since emotions is subjective according to each individual, there is no absolute scale in measuring emotions. This exercise is presented in such a way that allows an individual to measure their emotions on a personal level. So if you can recall the emotion that was experienced from Exercise 6, the author from the book suggests that you use the same feeling and descriptors. The only difference this time is to rate the level of intensity for each descriptor and write a summary for each descriptor according to level of intensity.

I completed mine and laid it out this way, which was slightly different from how the book had it AND though I used the same feeling, I may have changed the descriptors.

Name of feeling: Annoyance
Descriptor:
1.    Thoughts of dislike
Rating (1-10): 9
2.    Stomach turns (3)
3.    Inability to think straight (6)
4.    Loss of words – not say what I really want to say (8)
5.    Breathing pattern changes (3)
6.    Eyebrows wrinkle (5)
7.    Eyes move around the room – difficulty in focusing eyes (5)

Ratings between 1-3 are mild, 4-6 are moderate, and 7-10 are extreme.

Mild feeling: my stomach turning like my gut telling me this doesn’t seem right. This is like a warning to myself that I this may get worse if I focus too much on this detail. My breathing pattern changes when I am annoyed. I forget how to breath and relax my muscles. When this happens the wrong amount of oxygen reaches my brain needed to stay focused on important issues.
Moderate feeling: inability to think straight. I’m thinking I wish I am not around this person right now. I think they are making me miserable. Or perhaps, I make myself miserable around this person. This is my feeling, not theirs. They are narcissitic and that is not my problem. I am not responsible for their faults. I have my own that I need to deal with. I don’t need to deal with their problems. My face muscles tighten especially around my eyes, eyebrows, and my eyes do not seem to focus. My feelings show in my facial expression. I cannot hide it from myself or other people if they are perceptive enough. However, when they are so narcissitic and into themselves, they do not notice how other people feel. I know it and know that I have used that with people who are more sensitive to my feelings like my sister. She usually has a good understanding of how I feel. I also realize that it does not work with everyone.
Extreme feeling: Thoughts of dislike and loss of words. Rather saying what I really want to say like, “I don’t like that you say that” or “I wish you didn’t say that,” I fake a smile and say distracting things. Later, I get mad at myself for now saying what I really want to say. I guess a couple of things… since this is such an intense feeling of dislike, it could hurt feelings so I would rather not do that. I guess my question is so what if it hurts feelings? That is again not my responsibility. I am responsible for my own feelings. I am hard on myself for not saying what I really want to say, that I get mad at myself. I have to trust that not saying what I really feel sometimes is the right decision. I can learn to communicate things better and have things out in the open.

Though I did mine this way, it can be done in a variety ways like having an intensity level of 0 or having 50 descriptors rather than seven.

My thoughts on this exercise is that this is time consuming and I think I am ready to skip all these ridiculous exercises and move to the last page of this book. Okay *breath in oxygen to my brain* and if I had to rate that feeling, it would be a mere 4. Not quite enough to turn it loose. In all perspectives-ness, writing is an essential tool in creating a healthy mind.

Exersize 7: Qualities of Feelings

So this two month journey is rather subjective, but the good news is that I am alive and did not have a mental breakdown while taking some time off from following these exercises to a tee. More good news (if that is what you want to call it) is that I am back from my five and a half months sabbatical to airing some dirty laundry! AND I am ready to conquer the world! Not quite, though I plan on it someday or at least some part of it...

For this exercise, some may find it tedious (like me) while others may find it helpful (like me 5 months later). The purpose is to define our emotions using a variety of words that we usually do not use to define emotions. The purpose is not to justify emotions (which is something that is not necessary and may have a more negative impact) but to elaborate our feelings in a different way to have a clearer picture of what we feel.

Complete the following sentences for the feelings listed:

Happiness:
If this feeling had a color it would be ...
If this feeling was a weather it would be ...
If this feeling was a landscape it would be ...
If this feeling was music it would sound like ...
If this feeling was one object it would be ...

Continue this with sadness, fear, longing, and humiliation.

What I found helpful with this entry was that I noticed fear and humiliation had similar colors, weather, and landscape for me. This probably explains the secondary emotion (anger) that co-exists with these primary emotions. The only difference is that when I experience fear, my anger lingers inside of me and when triggered it lasts unpredictably long. For example, I have fears about my mother-in-law wanting to interfere in our lives. I usually keep these feelings bottled up until my husband says something to set it off and I blow up with a list of things that she has done or said in the last two months of evidence that she indeed once again has interfered in our lives. Most of the time he fights back to stay on topic while other times he looks at me completely puzzled. This emotion stays with me for a while. And for humiliation, it comes out quickly and leaves quickly for me. And this usually happens when my husband raises his voice because he says that I can't hear him. Well, that is just humiliating when he yells at me like I am a two year old. So I get so angry and start swearing. And within minutes, I am calm. Many times, fear and humiliation come together and that is one ugly picture, Sister.

After defining my emotions in a variety of ways, it puts things in perspective for me and also gives me a positive outlook on certain things like the mother-in-law situation. Maybe she seems to interfere in a lot of cases, but I think she is also excited and wants to be involved which can be a good thing. Also, I do have the power to set boundaries. I can and will say 'no' to my husband raising his voice at me.