Chapter 3: Define (Exercise 6: The components of experiencing emotions)

Now that I have "mastered" (not quite) the ability to distance myself from my emotions, this is a good time to define what those emotions are. The light bulb goes off in my head and I realize that I've been defining my emotions way too early on and that could have cause some "delay in successes" in the past. I thought of this one conversation I had with this guy one time. He said, "Have you heard of the saying 'housebreak your puppy before you let him in the house?" I said, "Yes" (which was a lie). So I guess defining my emotions before distancing myself was like peeing all over the carpet. Okay not really, but it was funny seeing this guy in a polo shirt tucked into his belt-less high water pants.
Actually, defining my emotions is one of my favorite things to do. So the first exercise in this chapter tells you to pick a word for a frequently experienced emotion and then breaks down the emotional experience into three components:
1. Thought processes: describe the thought processes that accompany the feeling. Include memories or statements.
2. Sensory experiences: sensory impressions or types of experiences that tend to accompany this emotion (heightened colors, vision of a face, irritating sounds, etc.)
3. Physical sensations: includes heart and breathing rate, skin sensations, muscle tension, and internal organ functioning.
*note: the three components are written without the use of any other feeling word.

Here goes mine:
ANNOYED (must be all CAPS)
1. I thought 'why is this lady nagging me rather than helping me?' She sucks at customer service. She comes up to me and tells me to put my daughter in the front part of the shopping cart with the seat-belt fastened because it is the store's policy (nothing to do with the fact that she is getting paid for being useless) and walks away. The seat-belt is missing by the way. Also, I actually know the shopping cart rules - that is not my first time in a store with shopping carts. Do I look FOB? That's fresh off the boat in case you were wondering. I have questions on where to find things in this store and she just walks away. And the nerve! She calls me "Honey" and pats me on the back. Sometimes nice is just not nice. She might as well slap me across the face for no reason. Even if she did do that and at least tell me where things are in this store, that would have been useful and better quality customer service. And don't call me "Honey!" or touch me. And where are the boxes?! My daughter was just running around and tearing the aisle apart - go right ahead -he he. No, get in the cart (without the seat-belt).
2. I sense that this store is huge, disorganized, and smells of warehouse (paint and wood). I hear loud sounds and everything in the store echoes - where am I? ... it's Home Depot. I see a lady with a hunchback and dirty finger nails approaching me with a look in her eyes. I sense trouble.
3. My eyes are dilated (j/k)... I'm tired. I am not able to get a word in edgewise. My muscles tense when she touches me. My pulse increases, but then again it is always fast. The muscles in my face tense up especially around my eyes.

As I am writing this, I think about the many times my sister has told me that I seem to get annoyed very easily. I never disagreed with her, but never really understood why I feel annoyed so often. So while I'm writing my thought processes I see the word 'useless' or another form of it come up many times, which I wasn't aware of that thought at the time of the incident. I hate to admit it but I think that is why I often feel annoyed - it is affected by people I perceive as 'useless' for that moment in time. Hmmm... I don't like thinking that way. I know that God puts every creature on this planet for a purpose so why would I perceive anyone as 'useless?' And my husband, I tell him about once a week, "You are so annoying!" I know he is not useless. Well, except when he is sitting in front of the couch watching re-runs of 'Bones' all day long. So maybe knowing something and thinking something are two completely different actions. And thinking creates trouble for us. 'NO thinking, Michelle!' Or maybe I could just be okay with my thoughts because I KNOW it is just temporary. I think I like - wait - I KNOW I like that. What do you think?

Exercise 5: Three Views

I had a revelation the other day. Well, sort of, I think... but I thought, "I just want to be HAPPY." Is it that simple? If it was, then why wasn't I doing that?
I minored in psychology and though it has been a while, I recall studying cognitive therapy as one of my favorite theories of the psyche. Good ol' Albert Ellis and his development of Rational Emotive Therapy. At the time, I thought, "This is how I will live. It seems to make the most sense." Then years later, I had a baby and everything changes. 'Sense' went out the window along with everything else, and my husband looks at me and wonders, "Who did I marry?" And hoping that my fits are for the worse rather than for the better. Even with that, you never can tell.

So in my journal entry, I wrote:
I want to be happy. I want my husband to be happy - not just for him, but for myself as well. This whole time I have been thinking if I do things to make him happy, I have to compromise and I will resent him later and we just simply cannot have that - but not if it is for me... I'm happy, he's happy and vice versa. Holy s#@#$ - I have been living in negativity for the last year and a half and it is this simple, isn't it? Of course there were other factors that contributed to my neurosis and near mental breakdown but that should not have mattered to my happiness. I have been obsessing (another revelation) about this negativity, I had forgotten how to be happy. I need to continue to allow myself to feel but know the difference when I am being obsessive. I do consider myself the obsessive personality type, but that could be geared toward positive energy rather than negative. So simple.

So I'm writing this and feeling very positive about my progress, I reminded myself to that I still have exercise 5 to complete. These exercises are somewhat tedious but I do think that they serve a purpose. So for exercise 5, you are supposed to write about a major event in your life that includes three different voices of people you know. The first one is of someone that knows you very well. The second is of someone that knows you as an acquaintance. And the third is of someone you feel uncomfortable around. So I wrote about my wedding day using my sister's point of view, a teacher's (that I just started working with) point of view, and my ex-roommate's point of view.


Sister: My sister is getting married today. She is so happy and in love with her husband to be. He is a good man. I like him. I am glad that she is getting married to someone that will love her and be supportive of her. She has had some bad luck with men in the past and fortunately learned from them. Even though I am very excited for her, I am kinda sad that I am losing my 'single' sister. This is a big change for me as well as for her.


Teacher: My co-worker is getting married today. She seems to be very happy and he seems to be a nice man. She is usually nice when I see her at work but I don't know her very well. She is so pretty and smart (j/k - this is what I wish people say about me!)


My ex-roommate: My ex-roommate is getting married today. I am so jealous. She was such a nasty bitch to me when we lived together. I guess I want her to be happy but I really don't. She was so mean to me and wouldn't give my rent money back even though I trashed her house and broke our lease. Hopefully she changed and that is the only reason anyone would marry her. HAHAHAHA! Well, she is so pretty and smart so I can't blame him. (hehe)


So the purpose of these entries is to reveal the subjectivity of emotions on the same event. One person will say something completely different from another person. I suppose this particular exercise is good practice on how to distance yourself from your emotions. Even though sometimes we feel so strongly about something, we feel as we own them and that they rule us but in reality, emotions do not make us who we are.

Exercise 4: Emotional Views Over Time, Part 2 (A Day)

This entry should be written the day after completing part one of exercise 4. Pretty interesting how feelings change in just 24 hours... Another note: part three should be completed one month from today.


It is Saturday 2/6/10
Right now this is how I feel about myself… I feel excited about moving forward with our decision to build a new house (finally!). My husband and I put earnest money down on a lot today just seconds after someone else had spoken with the seller about the same lot, talked with my uncle who is a realtor about putting our condo on the market, and made an appointment to write up a contract later this week with Debby our seller. We talked about our plans for the new house, and I am very excited. I am looking forward to having a new project, picking out furniture which I love doing, and decorating the new house which I also love doing. Funny thing is that I have a feeling my husband wants to decorate, and thinks I don't have a clue on how to decorate. No, we are not living in a bachelor's pad! We have a lot to do with our condo before we sell it but thankfully, it was gutted in 2002 and rebuilt in 2003 so there is not a whole lot to fix up before we put it on the market. At least I don’t think there is much work to do. My husband on the other hand thinks there is so much we have to do but I think it is more overwhelming for him than anything. My uncle will walk through everything with him and help us decide what needs to be redone. We walked the lot that we are holding today. It had been raining all week and we were up to our ankles in mud.
Yesterday, this is how I felt about myself… I remember feeling embarrassed and disappointed that I had lost my temper with my husband. In hindsight and not making any excuses on my behavior, it seemed that I did what I had to in order to feel “sane” again even though I looked like a maniac. I was feeling out of control of the situation, and the only way at the time I knew how to handle it was to completely flip out and run around like a chicken without a head. I guess it was a little funny even though it did not feel fun at the time. I was crying and didn’t know what to do with myself. I even felt self destructive at the time and had lost sight of what was important. At least there was some control there and I’m glad I didn’t go completely over the edge, because today was a much better day. Also looking back to what happened yesterday, I can't believe my husband still finds me attractive and loves me.

Exercise 4: Emotional Views Over Time, Part 1 (A Decade)

This exercise consists of three parts in which part 1 will be one day from part 2 and part 3 will be one month from part 2. In other words, I will be starting other exercises while part 3 is still in progress. That is not complicated at all... the best thing to do is to just make a note of when to refer back to this exercise, which I already did for part two... I will do that tomorrow. And tomorrow I will make a note to do part three on 3/6/10. And of course there is a method for all this madness. Let's begin:

It is 2/5/10. Right now this is how I feel about myself:
Well, a little embarrassed and disappointed. I got mad at my husband and took off for a 'jog' earlier today. He drove around the neighborhood and told me to get into the truck. I got in when he said that he won’t say anything [to piss me off] anymore. He knows how to push my buttons so why does he do it? I feel like wanting to leave him. I feel that he cares for me only to push me around. I’m embarrassed that I ran around the neighborhood like a banshee and disappointed that I couldn’t control myself. But at the same time, I needed to get away from him. He pushes me over the limit. We went to look at some houses today and almost decided to put money down on a house. What a mess. I'm not sure if that is a good idea. I am afraid we are rushing the process for the wrong reasons - to fill a void, which he may regret. I won't because I am ready to move, but I thought he wanted to wait.

Ten years ago (use present tense):
It is 2/5/00. Right now this is how I feel about myself:
I am in working for Americorps and doing my graduate coursework at TWU. I am uncertain of my future. I have a boyfriend that isn’t a Christian – I like him a lot and have told him that I loved him but he doesn’t know what he wants either. I am happy with myself. I enjoy working with kids. I live with my aunt. It is rent free. I have a car and no car payment. Life is good – is it not? I feel depressed at times because I feel lonely a lot and have much time on my hands to worry. I don’t have my own things such as a house – it is difficult to do homework with limited computer and internet access because my aunt doesn’t like too much clutter in her apartment. I am worried about my sister. She is dating a dick. I am trying to become a better Christian to let go, and let God. I go to church, Bible study, and choir on a weekly basis. I practically live at church. I have needs that I want met and it is hard to fight the temptations at times. -yes, it's sex. Funny how things change. That is the least of my worries now.

Chapter 2: Distance, Exercise 3: A Postive Emotional Reference Point

Time changes emotions and journals preserve good times... so we journal not only when we are overwhelmed but also when we feel good about ourselves in hope that we are encouraged by good feelings at one point in our life that we can refer to when we are in despair. That is a good thought. Pray when you are happy rather than only when you want something from God.
The other idea from this chapter: time changes emotions differ from time heals all wounds, which I never really believed in that if the emotion is not dealt with. However, I do see that with time, emotions change. I think for me it is when an event is clarified or validated, I no longer have the same acute feeling. I still have feelings about a situation but it is changed. It could be feeling disappointed to feeling annoyed or feeling relief about the same situation. When my father died, I was so hurt and sad at first. Then as time went along I held onto good memories by looking at pictures of him in his childhood with my grandmother, which was comforting. Then I felt relief that he was no longer suffering from his illness - no more chemo.
In this chapter, the first exercise (3) is pretty much laid out for you. The purpose of this is to remember a good feeling in your life and to train the emotional part of your brain to have access to it prn (as needed), especially when feeling down in the dumps. As I was writing this, I realized that this was a long time ago and thought have I not had a good feeling since then??? Oh well, I guess that is the pessimistic side of me. Also, when doing this for those followers who want to do the same, use an event that is easier to encounter like getting a massage rather than something you will never feel like winning the lottery again.
Exercise 3: A Positive Emotional Reference Point
I remember a good feeling when: Jeremy coming over to see me for the first time in Dallas when and we went to Six Flags. (yep, this was Summer of 2006 - I'm sure I've had good feelings since...)
I simply felt: hopeful for a start of a relationship. (okay, I don't plan on having another relationship such as this one but the word is 'hopeful')
I was [where]: driving to the truck stop in Dallas off of I-20. (yep, my husband is a truck driver) It was a time in my life when I was doing [an activity or a general description]: I was single (bam!!! I do love being married - just to clarify, okay 95% of the time. It's still an A)… I’ll never forget [people, weather, environment, etc.]: that it rained and all the rides were closed when we got there but we still had a good time. They opened rides later on as the weather cleared. I got sick after one ride. When I went home, I went to the bathroom and felt better (TMI -eh?). We ate Chipotle that evening. I’ll never be right there again but I know I CAN feel that way again.
Okay, so after writing this down, you are supposed to read an entry that consisted of feeling overwhelmed and going back in forth with this entry. I did it (once)... my eyes hurt... but I feel somehow lifted.