Exercise 14: Release Bad Feelings

One of the best things about writing rather than talking about a problem is that no one has to sit there and absorb your feelings. Eliminating the second party factors out judgment or secondary feelings that may occur. It also empowers you to deal with your problems on your own. It gives you full responsibility. Wouldn't the world be a much better place if we all handled our own problems and took full responsibility for our actions? Imagine what your workplace would look like, or even your household. It goes for the old saying, you can't change other people but you can change yourself.

Exercise 14 is described by the author as a type of exorcism. You write about the emotion you hate the most to feel. There is no limitation on how you word anything - you can be as awful as you want to be because when you are finished, just rip it up.

I would share mine but it's in little tiny pieces... which by the way, other methods include burning the paper or using water works for some people. Just don't burn anything else besides the paper!

Exercise 13: Stream of Consciousness

If only I listened to my own blog or applied any these exercises to my life, I would not feel the way I do now. That's right, I'm a hypocrite. And I don't care if anybody is out there reading this - it's not like anybody does anyway. I write for myself. I read my blogs. The only thing I don't do is apply it. That's right, I am having an emotional breakdown while writing for emotional balance.

So what happened in the last couple of days? Does anybody care? Well, I am going to write about it anyway. Stress is eating me up. Our condo is still on the market, and our "house" will close in two weeks. I have nothing packed. I quit cooking. I started smoking. Okay, I made that up. And you know why? It's because I started lying. That's right. I lied. I stress and I worry so I lie. I didn't want my husband to try to take control of things his way so I lied to him so he would just mind his business. And that's not even the worst part. He caught me. He believed me until he realized I wasn't where I said I was. I mean I didn't think it through. I thought I had it covered, and he caught me in my lie. I suck at lying. Then he brought up the whole trust issue. That's when I figured out trust is not just about the one who was lied to but the one that is doing the lying. I lied to him because I didn't trust he would make the right decision. He still trusts me even though he says he can't. He is saying that because he is hurt. I am not hurt. I have trust issues and that hurts him. And the irony of it all, is that I would feel hurt if he really stopped trusting me. WTF?!
Stream of consciousness is writing whatever comes through your mind for an allotted amount of time (five minutes is recommended) without stopping. The purpose is to release any emotion that may be stuck. When the inhibitions are removed, the freedom to express takes place. Don't worry about punctuations, spelling, capitalization, etc. Just write.

Chapter 4: Release!

Like water, emotions take on different forms and if functioning correctly, will continue to flow throughout its course or progress. The continuous progression that eventually resolves over time is understood as release. At times, the natural flow of progression will stop, and this is known as blocked or stuck emotions. Because emotions is a physical experience (heart rate, breathing, etc.), a simple physical act such as a sigh paired with a conscious acknowledgment of the emotional experience (stating "Right now I feel...") will prevent our feelings to repeat or go around in circles. Furthermore, a simple acknowledgment doesn't necessarily quantify in release of the emotion. However when the feeling is confronted, the threat no longer exists. Therefore, the ability to release the emotion will take place as this is necessary to make room for other emotions to arise. Releasing an emotion can be thought of dividing a number by two in which it never completely becomes zero, but will become smaller as the numbers continue to divide by two.

Exercise 12 explains the physical act of writing as a release. Using a preferred writing instrument, start "writing" for one minute without forming any letters. If you are using a computer keyboard, just type without forming any words. Here is mine:

kjsdriaseih;sdfaiekjldkfeoihtehknaehrkeha;siehlsdlf aierha ei er a eirh oier a;ieh a;sie la sei eir a;ie r a eiru a;ier aier;aliweraosdif er ja;ser;isdirwiefls  ef gh eif u a;wier ;asd
rk eur aser alskue ru se rakjse8  jehr owjd r wlidr aise rl sieur  ls 9 ali r au sle r
a leiur laiuse r a elkr k rlwieri alsiuer lQIWU ALSEKR L iwR ALISER LAIUER L SEU  alsieur lasieur leiru lasieur leiru aliseu rl as
erl is elri ualseiru aliw erk asier ;asieru alsieur ;lasieur leiru a;liru asleir

The idea is to get the feeling of the physical act of writing itself. Was it just me or did one minute seem to last a long time?

Exercise 11: Your Emotional Triggers

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had the power to predict our emotional patterns? Do you ever know when you are going to have a huge blow-up fight with a friend, spouse, or client with just one phone call or meeting? If we could, we would all live in a more peaceful world. However, we don't and according to these exercises, the best way to live harmoniously with one another AND with yourself is to dig up dirty old feelings from this life.

So to answer the first question, YES, it would be wonderful to predict our emotional patterns, which we in good faith did from Exercise 10. The next step is to examine how these patterns affect our present situations. In your journal (you really should have one by now!), write the feeling that is currently your biggest problem from the list of 3 in the previous exercise. Here is mine:

Name the feeling: Longing

Next list four situations briefly you recall when you had this feeling, regardless of how you handled it. You can write actual events or typical ones. You can also use the example from Exercise 2. Here is my example:

Four situations that made me feel this feeling:
1.    My husband at the bar with his friend, and I did not know when he would return. This was the day of his birthday party. I only knew of one bar he went to, which closed at midnight and it was 2 am when he was still not at home. I know he isn’t a cheater, just absent-minded when he is drunk.
2.    The same man did not come home after his scheduled work and did not call. I thought he had died. He was supposed to be home at 5 am. At 7 am, he was still not at home or answering his phone call. He finally called at 9:30 when I was on my way to his work. His boss gave him another job when he returned from his trip and he thought to call me later when I was awake since I usually slept in during the summer.
3.    When my mother-in-law and I were having a hard time understanding each other. I just could not get along with her or make her understand our situation without her crying (in front of me or in front of other people). I longed for a good relationship but it was not possible if there was no understanding especially on her part. At the time she first moved here, it seemed that she expected me to conform to her ideas on many things.
4.    The husband making plans to do other things when he is at home besides with me and our daughter. He would come home from being gone throughout the week to ride his bike and play golf, which was nothing we could do. If he did things with us, he wanted to include his parents, which were okay every once in a while but I longed for just our family time. And that (just us) happened maybe two or three times during the first two years of our marriage (all other times included EVERYONE).

After the brief stories, answer the following questions to try to find some common factors:

1.    How many people besides yourself are usually in your stories?
2.    Which person in your stories causes the problem?
3.    Is there an imbalance of power or an injustice in your stories?
4.    Is there loss in your stories or are there needs not met?
5.    Is anyone being evaluated in your stories?
6.    Is there deception in your stories?
7.    Do your stories tend to take place in any particular type of setting?
8.    Do you have any particular physical or emotional vulnerability at the start of any of your stories or in the background?
9.    Are you active or passive in your stories?

My example:

1.    How many people besides yourself are usually in your stories? 1
2.    Which person in your stories causes the problem? Me, I let their problems get to me.
3.    Is there an imbalance of power or an injustice in your stories? Always. Life is just not fair!
4.    Is there loss in your stories or are there needs not met? Yes. There was always miscommunication. My needs are to be told directly. Like for the husband, as long as he calls, I am okay. With the MIL, I would hear things that were indirect. My husband and father-in-law understood what she felt because she told them. She rarely told me anything directly – it was all heresy. This used to bother me. I realize now that she is the mousy-type and avoids any type of confrontation, which I have accepted and not take personally. I used to think she was "stabbing me in the back" which now I know better. Nobody can literally "stab me in the back" and not leave scars.
5.    Is anyone being evaluated in your stories? No
6.    Is there deception in your stories? WHAT!? NO!
7.    Do your stories tend to take place in any particular type of setting? At home. I'm calm now.
8.    Do you have any particular physical or emotional vulnerability at the start of any of your stories or in the background? No
9.    Are you active or passive in your stories? I am extremely active (and towards the end especially) when it came to dealing with my husband and his family. Things are much better now.

The purpose of these questions are to help dig up the essential pieces of the past emotional scenarios that easily upset your emotional balance. With that, finish the following phrase to give yourself a forewarning of your emotional trigger:

To avoid being emotionally overwhelmed, watch out for ...

My example:

To avoid being emotionally overwhelmed, keep lines for open communication available. It’s okay for me to tell other people what I feel and what I need. If they choose not to understand it, I am still okay.

Exercise 10: Layers of Feelings

Like peeling an onion to get the to its core, you have to start on the surface of your emotional experiences in order to define your emotional pattern. Onions make most people cry so even though many like the taste, the same do not like to chop onions. I know this because I love to cook. And I love to eat. And furthermore, I hate to chop onions. Same thing when it comes to facing the core of our emotional patterns. Therefore, it is easy to get in an emotional rut. So what is the difference? Duh, one is an onion!

Exercise 10 will assist you to start peeling away at the surface with the hope that it will bring you to the core of your emotions that you nicely tucked away under its protective layers. It sounds worse than it really is. To start, you write about an overwhelming experience emotionally as a young adult or adolescent. Next, write about an overwhelming emotional experience as a school-age child. And last, write the earliest overwhelming experience you can remember. Here are my examples:

Emotionally overwhelming experience as an adolescent or a young adult:
I was 17 years old when my father was diagnosed with leukemia. The doctors said that it would be possible that he would die in two weeks. The realization that I would never see my father again words cannot describe. I love my dad. I wanted him to be around forever. I took it for granted that he would always be there. He was always healthy – never had a cold, and then he got sick. It was too soon. I didn’t want to face it. I wanted him to be there to walk me down the aisle when I got married. I wanted him to experience being a grandfather. I wanted him to be there forever. I was such a mess as a teenager. Why didn’t I just listen to my parents, take school seriously, and be more normal like the other kids? No, I wanted to “grow up” too quickly but I was so immature. My dad worried too much about me, and now he is dying.

Emotionally overwhelming experience as a school age child:
I had been “fighting” with my best friend for a couple of days giving her the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. I wanted to stop this stupid argument but didn’t know how and hoped that she would break the silence. Toward the end of the day, I got a note from her thinking it was a truce. I quickly opened it and read that she didn’t want to be my best friend anymore and had found another best friend. I know that I had been mean but didn’t expect this type of rejection. I was devastated. I skipped the last class and cried in the bathroom until my teacher found me. I still wanted to be friends with her but we didn’t stay friends after that.

Earliest memory of an emotionally overwhelming experience:
I wanted my mom to tuck me in bed and kept asking for her. My dad came in the room instead to tuck me in. He told me she was tired. I cried until I fell asleep. I didn’t want him. I wanted her. I did a lot of that when I was little - crying to sleep.

After this challenge, read it over and write one dominant emotion from each story. Here is mine:
 
Dominant emotion:
Young adult overwhelming feeling: Longing
School-age overwhelming feeling: Longing
Earliest overwhelming feeling: Longing

Mine just happens to be the same word but it does not have to be so for everyone. I wonder if I did it that way on purpose? It just seems way too easy. The interesting thing is that I have always found the needy characteristic in people very annoying, which I could have been avoiding my own neediness...

Exercise 9: Simplifying Your Emotions

Exercise 9 so far has been my favorite exercise and insightful to some of the behaviors of situations that I have been experiencing in the past two years. This section talks about primary and secondary emotions. Primary is the emotion you feel instantly, and secondary is your feeling about your initial feeling. Basically, primary emotion is necessary and has a purpose to inform, protect, or alert us. Secondary emotion is useless and could cloud over situations.

First, complete the sentence:

When [blank], I tend to feel [blank].

Then think of three people that have been critical of you including yourself (if you want) and write how you think they would criticize you:

[Name of person]: You (or I) shouldn't feel that way because [blank]. (repeat three times with a different person)

After completing this, cross out/delete/erase the last three paragraphs and only focus on the first sentence.

Here is my example:

When I find 3 gray pubic hairs down there, I tend to feel confused about my body.

Mother in law: You shouldn’t feel that because I don’t want you to get mad at me. I try so hard and it seems that I can’t do anything right.
Pastor: You shouldn't worry because you need to give your worries to God.
Me: I shouldn’t feel that way because I am not getting old. I am getting younger, dammit!

Okay so that may not have been the actual entry, but it could be true. Anyway, I like this exercise because it makes a lot of sense to my erratic behavior in the last two years. I had been dealing with the secondary emotions and have neglected my primary emotions. Though dealing with the primary emotion can be more challenging sometimes, it is definitely healthier.

Exercise 8: Intensity of feelings

Since emotions is subjective according to each individual, there is no absolute scale in measuring emotions. This exercise is presented in such a way that allows an individual to measure their emotions on a personal level. So if you can recall the emotion that was experienced from Exercise 6, the author from the book suggests that you use the same feeling and descriptors. The only difference this time is to rate the level of intensity for each descriptor and write a summary for each descriptor according to level of intensity.

I completed mine and laid it out this way, which was slightly different from how the book had it AND though I used the same feeling, I may have changed the descriptors.

Name of feeling: Annoyance
Descriptor:
1.    Thoughts of dislike
Rating (1-10): 9
2.    Stomach turns (3)
3.    Inability to think straight (6)
4.    Loss of words – not say what I really want to say (8)
5.    Breathing pattern changes (3)
6.    Eyebrows wrinkle (5)
7.    Eyes move around the room – difficulty in focusing eyes (5)

Ratings between 1-3 are mild, 4-6 are moderate, and 7-10 are extreme.

Mild feeling: my stomach turning like my gut telling me this doesn’t seem right. This is like a warning to myself that I this may get worse if I focus too much on this detail. My breathing pattern changes when I am annoyed. I forget how to breath and relax my muscles. When this happens the wrong amount of oxygen reaches my brain needed to stay focused on important issues.
Moderate feeling: inability to think straight. I’m thinking I wish I am not around this person right now. I think they are making me miserable. Or perhaps, I make myself miserable around this person. This is my feeling, not theirs. They are narcissitic and that is not my problem. I am not responsible for their faults. I have my own that I need to deal with. I don’t need to deal with their problems. My face muscles tighten especially around my eyes, eyebrows, and my eyes do not seem to focus. My feelings show in my facial expression. I cannot hide it from myself or other people if they are perceptive enough. However, when they are so narcissitic and into themselves, they do not notice how other people feel. I know it and know that I have used that with people who are more sensitive to my feelings like my sister. She usually has a good understanding of how I feel. I also realize that it does not work with everyone.
Extreme feeling: Thoughts of dislike and loss of words. Rather saying what I really want to say like, “I don’t like that you say that” or “I wish you didn’t say that,” I fake a smile and say distracting things. Later, I get mad at myself for now saying what I really want to say. I guess a couple of things… since this is such an intense feeling of dislike, it could hurt feelings so I would rather not do that. I guess my question is so what if it hurts feelings? That is again not my responsibility. I am responsible for my own feelings. I am hard on myself for not saying what I really want to say, that I get mad at myself. I have to trust that not saying what I really feel sometimes is the right decision. I can learn to communicate things better and have things out in the open.

Though I did mine this way, it can be done in a variety ways like having an intensity level of 0 or having 50 descriptors rather than seven.

My thoughts on this exercise is that this is time consuming and I think I am ready to skip all these ridiculous exercises and move to the last page of this book. Okay *breath in oxygen to my brain* and if I had to rate that feeling, it would be a mere 4. Not quite enough to turn it loose. In all perspectives-ness, writing is an essential tool in creating a healthy mind.

Exersize 7: Qualities of Feelings

So this two month journey is rather subjective, but the good news is that I am alive and did not have a mental breakdown while taking some time off from following these exercises to a tee. More good news (if that is what you want to call it) is that I am back from my five and a half months sabbatical to airing some dirty laundry! AND I am ready to conquer the world! Not quite, though I plan on it someday or at least some part of it...

For this exercise, some may find it tedious (like me) while others may find it helpful (like me 5 months later). The purpose is to define our emotions using a variety of words that we usually do not use to define emotions. The purpose is not to justify emotions (which is something that is not necessary and may have a more negative impact) but to elaborate our feelings in a different way to have a clearer picture of what we feel.

Complete the following sentences for the feelings listed:

Happiness:
If this feeling had a color it would be ...
If this feeling was a weather it would be ...
If this feeling was a landscape it would be ...
If this feeling was music it would sound like ...
If this feeling was one object it would be ...

Continue this with sadness, fear, longing, and humiliation.

What I found helpful with this entry was that I noticed fear and humiliation had similar colors, weather, and landscape for me. This probably explains the secondary emotion (anger) that co-exists with these primary emotions. The only difference is that when I experience fear, my anger lingers inside of me and when triggered it lasts unpredictably long. For example, I have fears about my mother-in-law wanting to interfere in our lives. I usually keep these feelings bottled up until my husband says something to set it off and I blow up with a list of things that she has done or said in the last two months of evidence that she indeed once again has interfered in our lives. Most of the time he fights back to stay on topic while other times he looks at me completely puzzled. This emotion stays with me for a while. And for humiliation, it comes out quickly and leaves quickly for me. And this usually happens when my husband raises his voice because he says that I can't hear him. Well, that is just humiliating when he yells at me like I am a two year old. So I get so angry and start swearing. And within minutes, I am calm. Many times, fear and humiliation come together and that is one ugly picture, Sister.

After defining my emotions in a variety of ways, it puts things in perspective for me and also gives me a positive outlook on certain things like the mother-in-law situation. Maybe she seems to interfere in a lot of cases, but I think she is also excited and wants to be involved which can be a good thing. Also, I do have the power to set boundaries. I can and will say 'no' to my husband raising his voice at me.

Chapter 3: Define (Exercise 6: The components of experiencing emotions)

Now that I have "mastered" (not quite) the ability to distance myself from my emotions, this is a good time to define what those emotions are. The light bulb goes off in my head and I realize that I've been defining my emotions way too early on and that could have cause some "delay in successes" in the past. I thought of this one conversation I had with this guy one time. He said, "Have you heard of the saying 'housebreak your puppy before you let him in the house?" I said, "Yes" (which was a lie). So I guess defining my emotions before distancing myself was like peeing all over the carpet. Okay not really, but it was funny seeing this guy in a polo shirt tucked into his belt-less high water pants.
Actually, defining my emotions is one of my favorite things to do. So the first exercise in this chapter tells you to pick a word for a frequently experienced emotion and then breaks down the emotional experience into three components:
1. Thought processes: describe the thought processes that accompany the feeling. Include memories or statements.
2. Sensory experiences: sensory impressions or types of experiences that tend to accompany this emotion (heightened colors, vision of a face, irritating sounds, etc.)
3. Physical sensations: includes heart and breathing rate, skin sensations, muscle tension, and internal organ functioning.
*note: the three components are written without the use of any other feeling word.

Here goes mine:
ANNOYED (must be all CAPS)
1. I thought 'why is this lady nagging me rather than helping me?' She sucks at customer service. She comes up to me and tells me to put my daughter in the front part of the shopping cart with the seat-belt fastened because it is the store's policy (nothing to do with the fact that she is getting paid for being useless) and walks away. The seat-belt is missing by the way. Also, I actually know the shopping cart rules - that is not my first time in a store with shopping carts. Do I look FOB? That's fresh off the boat in case you were wondering. I have questions on where to find things in this store and she just walks away. And the nerve! She calls me "Honey" and pats me on the back. Sometimes nice is just not nice. She might as well slap me across the face for no reason. Even if she did do that and at least tell me where things are in this store, that would have been useful and better quality customer service. And don't call me "Honey!" or touch me. And where are the boxes?! My daughter was just running around and tearing the aisle apart - go right ahead -he he. No, get in the cart (without the seat-belt).
2. I sense that this store is huge, disorganized, and smells of warehouse (paint and wood). I hear loud sounds and everything in the store echoes - where am I? ... it's Home Depot. I see a lady with a hunchback and dirty finger nails approaching me with a look in her eyes. I sense trouble.
3. My eyes are dilated (j/k)... I'm tired. I am not able to get a word in edgewise. My muscles tense when she touches me. My pulse increases, but then again it is always fast. The muscles in my face tense up especially around my eyes.

As I am writing this, I think about the many times my sister has told me that I seem to get annoyed very easily. I never disagreed with her, but never really understood why I feel annoyed so often. So while I'm writing my thought processes I see the word 'useless' or another form of it come up many times, which I wasn't aware of that thought at the time of the incident. I hate to admit it but I think that is why I often feel annoyed - it is affected by people I perceive as 'useless' for that moment in time. Hmmm... I don't like thinking that way. I know that God puts every creature on this planet for a purpose so why would I perceive anyone as 'useless?' And my husband, I tell him about once a week, "You are so annoying!" I know he is not useless. Well, except when he is sitting in front of the couch watching re-runs of 'Bones' all day long. So maybe knowing something and thinking something are two completely different actions. And thinking creates trouble for us. 'NO thinking, Michelle!' Or maybe I could just be okay with my thoughts because I KNOW it is just temporary. I think I like - wait - I KNOW I like that. What do you think?

Exercise 5: Three Views

I had a revelation the other day. Well, sort of, I think... but I thought, "I just want to be HAPPY." Is it that simple? If it was, then why wasn't I doing that?
I minored in psychology and though it has been a while, I recall studying cognitive therapy as one of my favorite theories of the psyche. Good ol' Albert Ellis and his development of Rational Emotive Therapy. At the time, I thought, "This is how I will live. It seems to make the most sense." Then years later, I had a baby and everything changes. 'Sense' went out the window along with everything else, and my husband looks at me and wonders, "Who did I marry?" And hoping that my fits are for the worse rather than for the better. Even with that, you never can tell.

So in my journal entry, I wrote:
I want to be happy. I want my husband to be happy - not just for him, but for myself as well. This whole time I have been thinking if I do things to make him happy, I have to compromise and I will resent him later and we just simply cannot have that - but not if it is for me... I'm happy, he's happy and vice versa. Holy s#@#$ - I have been living in negativity for the last year and a half and it is this simple, isn't it? Of course there were other factors that contributed to my neurosis and near mental breakdown but that should not have mattered to my happiness. I have been obsessing (another revelation) about this negativity, I had forgotten how to be happy. I need to continue to allow myself to feel but know the difference when I am being obsessive. I do consider myself the obsessive personality type, but that could be geared toward positive energy rather than negative. So simple.

So I'm writing this and feeling very positive about my progress, I reminded myself to that I still have exercise 5 to complete. These exercises are somewhat tedious but I do think that they serve a purpose. So for exercise 5, you are supposed to write about a major event in your life that includes three different voices of people you know. The first one is of someone that knows you very well. The second is of someone that knows you as an acquaintance. And the third is of someone you feel uncomfortable around. So I wrote about my wedding day using my sister's point of view, a teacher's (that I just started working with) point of view, and my ex-roommate's point of view.


Sister: My sister is getting married today. She is so happy and in love with her husband to be. He is a good man. I like him. I am glad that she is getting married to someone that will love her and be supportive of her. She has had some bad luck with men in the past and fortunately learned from them. Even though I am very excited for her, I am kinda sad that I am losing my 'single' sister. This is a big change for me as well as for her.


Teacher: My co-worker is getting married today. She seems to be very happy and he seems to be a nice man. She is usually nice when I see her at work but I don't know her very well. She is so pretty and smart (j/k - this is what I wish people say about me!)


My ex-roommate: My ex-roommate is getting married today. I am so jealous. She was such a nasty bitch to me when we lived together. I guess I want her to be happy but I really don't. She was so mean to me and wouldn't give my rent money back even though I trashed her house and broke our lease. Hopefully she changed and that is the only reason anyone would marry her. HAHAHAHA! Well, she is so pretty and smart so I can't blame him. (hehe)


So the purpose of these entries is to reveal the subjectivity of emotions on the same event. One person will say something completely different from another person. I suppose this particular exercise is good practice on how to distance yourself from your emotions. Even though sometimes we feel so strongly about something, we feel as we own them and that they rule us but in reality, emotions do not make us who we are.

Exercise 4: Emotional Views Over Time, Part 2 (A Day)

This entry should be written the day after completing part one of exercise 4. Pretty interesting how feelings change in just 24 hours... Another note: part three should be completed one month from today.


It is Saturday 2/6/10
Right now this is how I feel about myself… I feel excited about moving forward with our decision to build a new house (finally!). My husband and I put earnest money down on a lot today just seconds after someone else had spoken with the seller about the same lot, talked with my uncle who is a realtor about putting our condo on the market, and made an appointment to write up a contract later this week with Debby our seller. We talked about our plans for the new house, and I am very excited. I am looking forward to having a new project, picking out furniture which I love doing, and decorating the new house which I also love doing. Funny thing is that I have a feeling my husband wants to decorate, and thinks I don't have a clue on how to decorate. No, we are not living in a bachelor's pad! We have a lot to do with our condo before we sell it but thankfully, it was gutted in 2002 and rebuilt in 2003 so there is not a whole lot to fix up before we put it on the market. At least I don’t think there is much work to do. My husband on the other hand thinks there is so much we have to do but I think it is more overwhelming for him than anything. My uncle will walk through everything with him and help us decide what needs to be redone. We walked the lot that we are holding today. It had been raining all week and we were up to our ankles in mud.
Yesterday, this is how I felt about myself… I remember feeling embarrassed and disappointed that I had lost my temper with my husband. In hindsight and not making any excuses on my behavior, it seemed that I did what I had to in order to feel “sane” again even though I looked like a maniac. I was feeling out of control of the situation, and the only way at the time I knew how to handle it was to completely flip out and run around like a chicken without a head. I guess it was a little funny even though it did not feel fun at the time. I was crying and didn’t know what to do with myself. I even felt self destructive at the time and had lost sight of what was important. At least there was some control there and I’m glad I didn’t go completely over the edge, because today was a much better day. Also looking back to what happened yesterday, I can't believe my husband still finds me attractive and loves me.

Exercise 4: Emotional Views Over Time, Part 1 (A Decade)

This exercise consists of three parts in which part 1 will be one day from part 2 and part 3 will be one month from part 2. In other words, I will be starting other exercises while part 3 is still in progress. That is not complicated at all... the best thing to do is to just make a note of when to refer back to this exercise, which I already did for part two... I will do that tomorrow. And tomorrow I will make a note to do part three on 3/6/10. And of course there is a method for all this madness. Let's begin:

It is 2/5/10. Right now this is how I feel about myself:
Well, a little embarrassed and disappointed. I got mad at my husband and took off for a 'jog' earlier today. He drove around the neighborhood and told me to get into the truck. I got in when he said that he won’t say anything [to piss me off] anymore. He knows how to push my buttons so why does he do it? I feel like wanting to leave him. I feel that he cares for me only to push me around. I’m embarrassed that I ran around the neighborhood like a banshee and disappointed that I couldn’t control myself. But at the same time, I needed to get away from him. He pushes me over the limit. We went to look at some houses today and almost decided to put money down on a house. What a mess. I'm not sure if that is a good idea. I am afraid we are rushing the process for the wrong reasons - to fill a void, which he may regret. I won't because I am ready to move, but I thought he wanted to wait.

Ten years ago (use present tense):
It is 2/5/00. Right now this is how I feel about myself:
I am in working for Americorps and doing my graduate coursework at TWU. I am uncertain of my future. I have a boyfriend that isn’t a Christian – I like him a lot and have told him that I loved him but he doesn’t know what he wants either. I am happy with myself. I enjoy working with kids. I live with my aunt. It is rent free. I have a car and no car payment. Life is good – is it not? I feel depressed at times because I feel lonely a lot and have much time on my hands to worry. I don’t have my own things such as a house – it is difficult to do homework with limited computer and internet access because my aunt doesn’t like too much clutter in her apartment. I am worried about my sister. She is dating a dick. I am trying to become a better Christian to let go, and let God. I go to church, Bible study, and choir on a weekly basis. I practically live at church. I have needs that I want met and it is hard to fight the temptations at times. -yes, it's sex. Funny how things change. That is the least of my worries now.

Chapter 2: Distance, Exercise 3: A Postive Emotional Reference Point

Time changes emotions and journals preserve good times... so we journal not only when we are overwhelmed but also when we feel good about ourselves in hope that we are encouraged by good feelings at one point in our life that we can refer to when we are in despair. That is a good thought. Pray when you are happy rather than only when you want something from God.
The other idea from this chapter: time changes emotions differ from time heals all wounds, which I never really believed in that if the emotion is not dealt with. However, I do see that with time, emotions change. I think for me it is when an event is clarified or validated, I no longer have the same acute feeling. I still have feelings about a situation but it is changed. It could be feeling disappointed to feeling annoyed or feeling relief about the same situation. When my father died, I was so hurt and sad at first. Then as time went along I held onto good memories by looking at pictures of him in his childhood with my grandmother, which was comforting. Then I felt relief that he was no longer suffering from his illness - no more chemo.
In this chapter, the first exercise (3) is pretty much laid out for you. The purpose of this is to remember a good feeling in your life and to train the emotional part of your brain to have access to it prn (as needed), especially when feeling down in the dumps. As I was writing this, I realized that this was a long time ago and thought have I not had a good feeling since then??? Oh well, I guess that is the pessimistic side of me. Also, when doing this for those followers who want to do the same, use an event that is easier to encounter like getting a massage rather than something you will never feel like winning the lottery again.
Exercise 3: A Positive Emotional Reference Point
I remember a good feeling when: Jeremy coming over to see me for the first time in Dallas when and we went to Six Flags. (yep, this was Summer of 2006 - I'm sure I've had good feelings since...)
I simply felt: hopeful for a start of a relationship. (okay, I don't plan on having another relationship such as this one but the word is 'hopeful')
I was [where]: driving to the truck stop in Dallas off of I-20. (yep, my husband is a truck driver) It was a time in my life when I was doing [an activity or a general description]: I was single (bam!!! I do love being married - just to clarify, okay 95% of the time. It's still an A)… I’ll never forget [people, weather, environment, etc.]: that it rained and all the rides were closed when we got there but we still had a good time. They opened rides later on as the weather cleared. I got sick after one ride. When I went home, I went to the bathroom and felt better (TMI -eh?). We ate Chipotle that evening. I’ll never be right there again but I know I CAN feel that way again.
Okay, so after writing this down, you are supposed to read an entry that consisted of feeling overwhelmed and going back in forth with this entry. I did it (once)... my eyes hurt... but I feel somehow lifted.

Exercise 2 "My Before and After Scenarios"

Warning: Dirty Laundry!!!
Not really...
I made a commitment to post my deepest and darkest secrets (which may contain some crude language) when writing this blog. However, I have made severe changes as this blog is not intended to hurt anybody because it is mainly about the three most important people in this article (me, myself, and I). And of course to those that find my entries helpful or resourceful to your own life.
I also want to clarify some things before I continue that the reason I chose to be mad at my husband is because he is an easy target. He is actually a very loving man - a big hairy gorilla one might say... it's just so much easier to pick on those that you love and know will love you unconditionally, though I will not take our relationship for granted. The truth is just so much more difficult to admit (I would have included the word "many" in that sentence but I don't think it will fit).
The first part of the exercise consists of an emotional scenario that bothered me also known as "before" or emotionally overwhelmed. Please note this is not my original piece (and I am really not on the political spectrum):

"One situation that comes to mind is when Obama became president. The world is going to end. He is such an idiot. I F*&^*&^g hate him!!! Why the hell does he stutter every other word when he talks??? I-I-I c-c-can't und-d-d-derstand what y-y-you are s-s-saying!!! P-p-p-lease speak-k-k Eng--lish!!!"

Whew! Boy did that feel good!
Now for the second part of the exercise, which starts out the same, however this time, writing with the knowledge of emotional management skills (the three C's) also known as "after" or managing emotional situations skillfully.
"One situation that comes to mind is when Obama became president. Although he wasn't my first choice for president, I was disappointed and sad but I wasn't surprised. I watched his state of the union address the other night and turned it off when I realized I couldn't stay focused on his speech. His speaking bothers me but I have to realize that he will just keep on talking regardless of how I feel. That gave me some time to floss before going to bed."
That felt even better.

Journal Entry #1: The 3 C's of Managing Emotions

So I discussed the 3 C's of emotion management with my husband this morning and the significance of each one to teach our daughter. Not long after our discussion, he dressed her and squeezed her oversized head through a turtleneck half her size. This made her cry and fuss at him. I immediately took advantage of this opportunity to teach her the 3 C's, which is "consciousness, clarity, and coherence." I tried to help her become conscious or aware of the situation by saying (in Mandarin), "You are crying and seem unhappy." She got louder. Then I clarified the situation by saying, "Daddy put on your shirt and it smushed your nose. Didn't it?" She continued to cry and pointed at him. Before I could move on to the last step, my husband says, "She doesn't have any of her C's," and we moved on to the next thing by putting on her pants and socks. She swatted her hands a few times and eventually stopped crying.
Frequently and throughout the day, I ponder about this morning's event and wonder where the communication broke down. Was it healthy for her feelings to be disregarded so quickly? Am I being paranoid that my child may end up being emotionally suppressed because her father has so little patience in the morning? Does he do the same thing when dealing with me when Hurricane Michelle (yes, that is me) hits our town home? Am I overdoing it on the whole feelings thing?
And I suppose the real question is: Is it better to teach our children to toughen up and to learn to deal in challenging situations through the Daddy tactic or the Mommy tactic?

Exercise 1 "The Wishlist"

I found a book titled Writing for Emotional Balance by Beth Jacobs, PH.D. over the weekend at Barnes and Noble while my husband and I were on our "date night" without our two year old (my mom took her to see a Jackie Chan movie). It caught my attention mainly because I am tired of constantly being mad at my husband. I noticed there are 8 chapters in this book and in good faith while I focus on a chapter each week... I will be more appreciative of him in 8 weeks! Dream on, Hubby.

After reading about 10 pages of this book, I already feel validated that emotions or feelings (this can be used interchangeably) are doing their job to protect us, inform our decision making, connect us with other people, and give us richness and texture when well regulated. I suppose I'm okay feeling some resentment and anger every now and then. It is when emotions are dysregulated... that is when I start to fly off the handle.

The following first exercise focus on several emotional management skills known as my personal wish list. "Emotionally, I wish I was capable of..."

1. Keeping my sense of humor
2. Not getting so worked up (i.e. hitting the wall and slamming the cabinets in the kitchen even though it feels so good, cursing and name calling which usually makes me feel like crap)
3. Letting go of bad feelings from my past (this is the most challenging of all... I finally forgave my mom for something she did 15 years ago)
4. Not always reacting to my "husband's behavior, thoughts, and/or comments" (this is "fill in the blank")
   
5. Calming myself down
6. Stopping my thoughts from becoming repetitive and destructive when I'm upset (does Beth know me?)
7. Holding onto progress I make emotionally

Just an FYI to my dear readers, the list does not end here but 7 goals in 8 weeks seem more than I can handle right now. Let's proceed...